Work-Identity Crisis
Counting the years since I graduated from NUS and stepped into the society to work, it has been about 3 years plus.. And I reflect upon my current job-status and the path I'd went through... I started from scratch as a HR Executive (perm) in a recruitment firm, then I jumped into a foreign bank as a Customer Service Associate, (long term temp -> perm) and now, I have "degraded" to a Company Secretariat Assistant (contract). Can you see the "degradation"? Well, a bit gan kai... especially when I see friends around me (especially female friends) moving up the ladder, with promotion and/or pay rise steadily, gaining recognition with their change in functional title (from Exec -> Senior Exec) and also having a good base of experience and knowledge gained from their job. I pale in comparison.. I am like a Jack of all trades, but Master of None. Friends around me have become specialists in their own expertise - Accountant la, Buyer la, Counsellor la, Teacher la, etc etc... more and more examples for me to name them... As compared, I am just as Assistant of something I do not have good knowledge in...
Haiz....
Is it because all the while I have never craved for an established CAREER? and rather I need a stable and well-paying JOB? Is it because of the mentality I have and the life that I pursue differently from others? The life that I am pursuing, is it towards becoming Old Yellow Hag (aka commonly known as Huang Lian Po)? Is my only goal in life is to give birth to babies, and take care of my family? Is there no other things in my life that I would gain sense of achievement from, apart from all these? I feel like I am a shallow coconut, with no meat, no juice. just an empty husk... People close to me often remark that I have no knowledge, no intelligence, simply nothing.. Even my dearie also always say that I am "useless", doing "useless" jobs.. yah, you guys are right... I am just a Ka-Gia.. An graduate Ka-Gia who gotta do all the odd jobs here and there, even clearing the newspapers in office! Ha! Ya, thats part of my job...
Age-Identity Crisis
Talking about age, I am just "a-quarter-of-a-century" old, yet I feel like I am "a-century" old.. Haha.. too kua zhang liao? Frankly speaking, I do feel older than my actual age.. Friends kept calling me "Mdm" la, "Aunty" la... as time goes by, I feel that all these terms have been fixed on me.. Not wanting to be a spoilsport, but I don't really like all these name-terms cuz it makes me feel even older and "unattractive"! Thou' ppl commented that I look like early 20s, I feel inside me, I am already 30s, a mother of 2 children, married for 10 whole years...wahaha... too kua zhang again? I don't know how to stop feeling "old" but I can't control the age progression physically and mentally.. Wait till you see my grey hairs and wrinkles coming out, coupled with bulging fats around my bum and tummy, that's the time I think I would feel like "a-century" old.
Haiz Haiz...
Where do I see myself from here? Old yellow hag with couple of kids, dirty with their saliva and food play, no make-up, poorly and badly dressed like an aunty, with a job that I have been in for 10 whole years, no change in seniority of title, just seniority in age.. muhahah... wat a good way to slap and laugh at myself.
Useless Oaf!
well, i guess it is good to reflect back into life to see how far you have gone. I cant deny there are times that I come to realisation that I am ZERO in my career path. However, I have to stand up for my own and tell myself this is just the beginning. I dont have to compare because it is my own life which is not led by others.
ReplyDeleteTianxin, you claimed that people close to you said that you are good for nothing. How can that possibly be? You are the gem who succeed in different ways. At the end of the day, if you think it is time to wanna re-focus in your career, you still can do something about it! So dont worry about being just an assistant now.
Maybe, you needed something to spice my your life now. You had already found a hubby so at this time beside having your yamies, you probably wanna find something else to accomplish before you think you are older than who you really are. It is time to get yourself out of the shell and do something else you want to accomplish!
Babe, dont degrade yourself. Because if you dont choose to love yourself, who will?
Chin up girl, i am always behind you!
Thanks Suz for your kind encouragement.. Duno y I fell into this identity-crisis all of a sudden. Talked to a friend during lunch, and picked up a brochure (christian) about "How can I find satisfaction in my work?", feel that "hey, God is answering my call! He knows I am feelin perplexed and suddenly I see light in front of me..."
ReplyDeleteYou are right, I should learn to love myself despite people around me dun seem to "praise" me enough.. haha!
Mdm Mok, although u've said tt u don like pple calling u by auntie/mdm, but i still wanna do so. because it is a blessing to have someone called u Mdm, cos that means tt you're happily married. you think everyone can become huang lian po meh? if you got no husband to support you, no house to return to, no kids for your to trouble about, how to qualify as huang lian po? Huang lian po also got intake criteria one okay!!
ReplyDeleteA person's self worth is not determined by how much they're paid for doing their work/what kind of jobs their holding/ what's their educational level. Everyone return home after work, home is what decides a person's self worth.
U have a loving husband, a beautiful house, a good degree, a good-paying job and in future, adorable kids. That's the most impt aspect of anyone's life =)
"Huang Lian Po"....is the toughest job in the whole world. U wake up in the wee hours (sometimes several times) to feed your baby. U have tons of laundry to do but it's raining cats and dogs. U need to clean the house but baby just refused to have her afternoon nap. U must plan for the week's menu so that u know wat to buy when u go for ur weekly marketing....n the list goes on. Anyone can be a Huang Lian Po but not anyone can be a good Huang Lian Po. U must plan and schedule all your hsework..like wat u do in office...U need patience, endurance, all the soft skills that u pick up in ur career. It's a 24/7 job. How I know...cos I've done all these for the past 2 years and will continue to do so for many more years to come. But however tough this job is..I'm hanging on cos I love my hubby and my 2 lovely daughters.
ReplyDeleteDun belittle urself. Be more confident. All our life experiences hv their purposes. They will come in handy where u least expected.
Btw...update ur dictionary..no more Huang Lian Po...it's stay home mum. Or better still "HDB Tai Tai" :)
aww, c'mon, m worse than you sweetie! M the expired trolley dolly! the wallpaper who fades in the background compared to you, suz, eve & qixi! & what old yellow hag? tsk tsk. whoever said married women have to languish at home & look all tatty & dishevelled? I beg to differ. Come, join my taitai club! :P
ReplyDeleteGuess you guys are right... I m belittling myself and having no self-confidence that leads me to all these Identity-Crisis thots.. I'll learn to be a Stay-Home TaiTai (yet a good mum & wife), and not Huang Lian Po : )
ReplyDeleteRemb that if you see me dishevelled, pleaseeeee ask me to look at myself in the mirror ok! haha..
Thank you guys...
To each her own. You're already the envy of many with a loving hubby, family and a wide social support network. What's more, you're not doing badly at work either right? *smile*
ReplyDeleteI believe that everyone has a purpose and role to play in life. To me, I feel you're a blessed girl. The quarter-life crisis is transitory. It'll soon pass. =)
Thank you Sharon... I have to learn to treasure whatever I have right now... I have to seek what is important and valuable in my life... My work ah.. not so bad, but of cuz not as well as my fellow female counterparts.. e.g. u lor! hee...
ReplyDelete