Confessions of a guilty mom

In fact, I think I do not deserved to be a mother at all.

I am really guilty. I think I am not a good mother. Call it mother's instinct, I sense that the baby does not actually need me as her mother at all. What do I provide her? I only provide her breastmilk, in fact, she can rely on formula milk, she doesn't need me at all. Whenever she is in distress and cries, I try to carry her but resulted in more agitatedness. But once she is handed over to her father, she will eventually calm down and sleep peacefully in his warmth arms. Why? Why can't she find peace with me - her mother? I juz feel that she doesn't like me as much as her father who is so much more patient, loving and understanding towards her than me towards her.

I feel so guilty. Then he understands that the baby cries because she may be uncomfortable, having stomach wind, not because she wants to cry. By understanding that, he dotes on her more and not detests her non-stop crying. What about me? Instead of doing even better than him, I lamented how sian it is that she keeps crying, and especially when I tried to coax her it got even worse. I even grumbled in frustration that I hate her crying.

I shouldn't say all these, as a mother. But I really said that. Even my husband is also upset with me for saying such things. I see how he hugs her and sayang her, askin her if she's in pain ah, then I reflect on myself, why can't I do the same to my daughter? Why can't I understand that she may be suffering or unhappy, and try to be more patient towards her instead of venting frustrations over her crying. I admit that sometimes I will vent my frustrations on her by refusing to coax her or sayang her when she cries... I am so guilty of so many sins. So I am an undeserving mother. She doesn't need me at all. She has her good and doting father to care for her will do. He is doing much better than me in all aspects.

No matter how hard I try, how much I do, I am juz not doing enough. I am juz not a good mother. I am juz not understanding enough. I am juz not patient enough. I am just not showing enough love.

~Confessions by a very guilty and undeserving mom~